Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

You know. I used to think that I have the most perfect family in the whole world. I often boast in front of my friends, how liberal my parents are, how cool my dad is, even how fat my elder sister is. Haha. But happy days just don't last. Mom became very sick. She was bed ridden, in pain, during end of year one of my poly days. But we can't do shit about it. Since young, I am not good at expressing myself, at all. I am just the quiet kid who knows how to please my parents by getting decent results. Even till my mom's on the verge of death, I did not show any fear of losing her. I only whispered "I love you" to her ears, only after she's gone. Before that, I dread going home to my bed ridden mom. I hate seeing her in pain, i don't bear to. I even went to the extent to stay away from home. Results are plunging, skipping schools, to others, are just plain laziness. It's contradicting. My siblings can get the similar attention I got at home, even though my results are better than them and I am the child that my parents can boast about. So why should I work hard? I don't get extra presents, I don't get anything special. What's the point? Just a pass in my studies will definitely suffice. Right? I guess I am just the kid who fail to get special attention from my parents whining huh?

The fateful day came, mom had to go to somewhere faraway. To mom, it's release. As selfish as I am, would like to sustain her life, I can't. I thought. Things were as bad as it already would. Those times were harsh, dad would come back drunk every single night without fail. Intoxicated with alcohol, he numbs himself in front of his friends. And will come back home only during wee hours at night, kneel and weep in front of my mom's altar. At that point of time I really think my dad should have set a good example in our presence. To mourn, yes. To this extend when you're on the verge of giving yourself up, no. But thank God, things got better. Dad braced himself for the sake of his four children he had with his beloved wife.

Dad knew I was equally devastated about mom's sudden departure. He allowed my then current bf(now ex bf) to come stay with me, to keep me company; cheer me up. But what he always saw my ex bf doing was, sleeping, watching tv, walking around half naked, playing com. Seldom doing housework, although he really did. So dad had a real bad impression about this guy. The ugly confrontation. Dad and ex bf argued, and ex bf blurted vulgarities at dad; LOL. Ok, well, he was angry. He can't stay at my place any longer. He got to pack and go. And that's when dad found out his "dirty little secret" and decided to banish him for good. I was in a complete dilemma. Bro and I had a heated argument with dad, it ends awfully. Till now, I am still sorry that I dragged my bro in. And yeah. Dad was very disappointed in my choice of bf. I can tell totally, that he has lost all trust in me. He took away the desktop in my room, took away the DSLR I've been using and all gave it to my younger sis. How can I not feel something? He locked his own room door, forbid me from entering his room, rest of my siblings had the key to the room, but not me. How would you feel if you were in my shoes? From favorited child, to just another tenant who stays in the same house.

Suck thumb, act blur, live longer. Since I've lost it. I have no intention of getting it back. I have no one else to blame. I can only say, I brought it upon myself. Though the tension with my dad is gone as he no longer stays in the house.But I can tell. He doesn't dote on me like he used to. At first he was skeptical about my current bf, but thank goodness, Harris did such a wonderful job. I have been labelled, the laziest/useless child in the family, can you believe it? Probably I am the oldest in the house after sis moved out, mom passed away, dad moved out. That's why he expects me to do all the household chores. For the slightest things from the dog to the dishes, to the laundry, to the cleanliness of the house, I am expected to do it well. I am not enjoying what a 22 year old ought to be doing. I am a full time student, part time maid, and a part time guardian, lousy dog owner, lazy gf, useless daughter and a naggy sister.

I fine with not being credited for the things I've done, but please don't condemn me for the slightest mistakes. I am only human. There's a limit to my patience and my tolerance. I have always always been good tempered, I suppose?

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